There are several steps to buying a new gun. They include research, testing and price comparisons. Purchase options include retail sales, online sales, gun shows or a private purchase from some wayward soul who, for some reason, wants to sell a gun. Trust me, those people are out there. You might also need to locate someone with a Federal Firearms License (FFL) to legally make the transfer in your jurisdiction.
That’s a long list, but I haven’t even gotten to the most difficult part of the operation yet. The true minefield of buying a gun comes when you attempt to convince your spouse that it is time to buy another gun.
Now I need to break here to explain something. This column is not about misogyny. There is no “battle” of the sexes. And I am not making any broad statements about a woman’s willingness to accept a new firearm in the home. But everyone reading this column must agree on one simple truth: In the average marital relationship, if the husband suggests it is time to buy a new gun, he will typically be required to do “some convincing” before that gun is brought home. In the very same relationship, if the wife suggests it is time to buy a new gun, a gun of some type will be purchased THAT DAY! You know it’s true. You know it.
Now I realize that there are women in the world who do not fit that mold. You are truly great and special women. And when a man finds a woman like that who is willing to put up with all of his other manly shortcomings, the man should love and nurture that woman for the magical person she is and he should know that she will help him to be a better person, with more guns, and a deeper understanding of the meaning of their relationship.
So, let’s not have any letters or emails from the women who love guns and buy them often. We know you are out there, like unicorns, hiding among us, waiting to be found and adored. It is the other women, those who sometimes deny the dreams of men, who are to be addressed in this column. Once again, we know such women exist, so the men reading this must be given the skills to compete on a playing field which is by no means level.
The Difficult Part
To effectively buy a new gun and be able to, in the future, buy as many guns as you can afford, you must buy three new guns within a year and do so in full view of your significant other. This is going to hurt, but it is the only way. After the first purchase, you will likely hear, “Another new gun? Why?” Those two questions will be followed by many more words and they will be painful. Take it like a man. Smile. Be agreeable. Offer only token verbal resistance. Trust me. This is the foundation.
By the time you bring home the third gun in one year, your wife will likely say something to the effect of, “Why do you need all those guns?” This is the single most important phrase you can ever hear. Your reply must include words to the effect of “this adds to my collection.” She will be upset by this and will argue about your “collection.” But this is your green light. That’s because she has now started to think of your guns as a single entity. Your gun collection is now just ONE THING! That means you can add to it with very little fanfare and future purchases will be looked at not as individual guns but as small components of a collection. It is a battle of attrition, but once she calls your guns a “collection,” you have won.
If you don’t have the intestinal fortitude to “take your whoopin’” with three purchases in one year, you could always fall back to the old, “Look-what-I-bought-you” plan. Buying gifts is almost always a good thing, because even if she hates it, she should appreciate the thought and you can “just put it in the gun safe” until she is ready to try it out.
There is downside to this plan. She might love the gun and claim it as her own. This happened to me back in 1993. And while, for legal reasons, I can’t really go into detail about “the incident,” I can tell you that I miss that little 20-gauge to this day. You are forewarned against the giving of “fake” gifts.
Buying guns is no walk in the park. Between legal regulations and marital restrictions, it’s a wonder we see as many gun sales as we do. But we must push ahead. We must continue to buy guns. Use the tools I have given you. Ours is a noble undertaking.
