Even the most minor disagreements have the potential for violence, but things get particularly messy when “familiars” are involved. When there is history, especially the bad kind, it fuels hostility unlike a conflict between strangers.
I was reminded of this last weekend when I was at a housewarming with several friends. I heard “angry voices” coming from the townhouse next door. My alert level jumped to Yellow. I’ve been on some “domestic disturbance” calls when doing ride-alongs. I understand why cops hate them.
As I walked toward the front door, and the shouting got louder and more hostile, I quickly punched up 911, told the operator there was a potential violent encounter next door, and gave her the address.
At the same time, I stepped outside just enough to see a young man on the driveway, highly agitated, cursing loudly, gesturing with his fists. I gave a brief description of him to the dispatcher and hung up.
Surprisingly, it was only a couple of minutes before a Sheriff’s deputy rolled up, followed seconds later by another. Both officers approached the man, telling him, “Hey, buddy, calm down. What seems to be the problem here?”
It was then that a woman stepped out from under the porch, where she told the deputies, “Officers, he won’t leave, and he’s been threatening me.” The young man looked at the cops, then whirled around to the woman and started yelling more obscenities.
Both of the deputies immediately “bookended” the young man, telling him, “Sir, if you don’t calm down, we’re going to handcuff you and put you in the squad car.” Long story short—he didn’t, and they did. Afterward, they came over to me and asked if I had made the 911 call, and about what I had seen. I told them. They then took him away.
After they left, as the woman stood in the driveway, I called out to her, “Are you alright, miss?” She said she was OK, thanked me, walked over to me, and asked if I’d seen what happened. She was still shaking, but surprisingly talkative.
No shock, turned out the man was her ex-husband and had beaten her on multiple occasions before she finally divorced him. Unfortunately, they have a daughter, meaning that unless she could prove he was a danger to the child, she would have to deal with him.
After explaining my background as a firearms instructor, we ended up having a long conversation. Since she had clear reasons to fear for her personal safety, I counseled her that getting a gun and learning how to use it might be something to consider, but that it was a decision only she could make. But no matter what, I suggested keeping a journal. Make sure all your friends know the situation. Report EVERY incident to police where there is even a hint of threat. Many experts advise against letting the former spouse into your home, not even to pick up the children. Depending on your lawyer’s advice, a restraining order may be advisable.
Establish rules. Then stick to them. Prosecutors will ask, “If she feared him so much, why did she invite him in for coffee?” By the way, none of these “administrative” steps are expected to keep you safe. Their actual purpose is to bolster your claim of self-defense, should it ever come to that. Self-defense is complex. It’s worse when it involves current or former intimates.
