In the January issue of Concealed Carry Magazine, we shared an article about my friend and fellow coworker, Beth Vaughn. Her story is one of struggle, strength, empowerment and growth, as she lived through a nightmare of physical and emotional abuse. I know it was not easy for her to open up and reveal the raw, painful honesty of her experiences. But she did it to help others. And I know it has already made a difference and an impact. I have heard from many who have reached out to me and to others at USCCA about Beth’s courage … and about their own experiences with domestic violence and violent relationships.
But one friend’s story offered a very unique — and important — perspective, and I asked if I could share some of his thoughts here. As the father of a daughter who went through the horrors of an abusive relationship, Tony reached out to me about the nightmare his family endured. I hope their story is as meaningful and as inspiring for you as it is for me.
“I got a call at work one day from my daughter,” Tony began. “’Dad, I slipped on the ice at school and hit my head, and now I don’t feel well,’” his daughter claimed.
“I asked for her symptoms,” he continued. “She described them to me, and I told her to call an ambulance; she was suffering from a concussion. (I’m an emergency medical responder.) She refused, suggesting instead to take a nap. Despite my impassioned pleas, she refused to be treated, so I started the 60-mile trek to her school in Duluth. I [then] took her to the ER, where a doctor confirmed my diagnosis.”
Of course, Tony had his suspicions about the accident and about his daughter’s explanation. He stated, “[My daughter] denied that her [boyfriend] had been on campus, but I was not convinced. I’d always said that if someone hurt my kids, I’d kill them. Most dads have issued the same warnings. I meant them … until it happened.”
Tony’s daughter later opened up to him and to his wife (and to the world) through a blog post that ached with the agonizing truth. She wrote, “I swear to you there were nights I was thrown against walls and dodging flying objects, and in the end, I was the one apologizing. I was the one begging for forgiveness, promising I’d be a better girlfriend.” Further on, she also shared the facts of her injury. “Do you know how it feels to be put in the ER by the hand of this guy who is supposed to love you? And then instead of having others support you, you had to tell everyone you just slipped and fell? How it messes with your sense of trust when the one person who is supposed to love you the most is the one you are most terrified of? It messes with you. It eats you alive inside. It scares you. And it still does.”
Undoubtedly, Tony and his wife were furious … and very concerned. “Killing the guy was my first thought,” Tony recalled. “Luckily, for him (and for me), a calm came over me that helped me realize I could not support my family or help my daughter through the recovery process from prison. We got a restraining order against her abuser, which local St. Louis County Sheriff Deputies served. Evidently, the young man looked somewhat shocked to see a couple big burly deputies at his door. The deputies explained the rules of the restraining order and then told the guy, ‘Be glad it is us at your door and not Tony. We’d suggest you not violate this order; he’ll get to you before we do.’”
“Funny thing is, when [my daughter] met this guy,” Tony continued, “he had not graduated. I helped him get his GED. He had no driver’s license. I helped him get it. He had no future. I offered to go to college guidance counselors with him. [But] the whole time he was accepting my help, he was beating my daughter senseless.”
Thankfully, Tony’s daughter has found a path to healing. “I’m not there yet, but I have come a long way, and I feel closer than ever to the light at the end of the tunnel,” she wrote. As well, the whole family is grateful that Tony had the presence of mind to do the right thing — to call for help and to stay out of the situation. As strong as a father’s love for his child can be, it does not give someone the right to hunt down an abuser and take matters into his own hands. We know that two wrongs don’t make a right. And we know that a father at home taking care of his children is much better than a father in jail paying for his actions.
“Share [my daughter’s] story with anyone who might benefit from it,” Tony commented. “Share my [story] with any dad struggling; I will help calm him down. Our families need us at home … not locked up.”
